Archive for the ‘Sex’ Tag

Looking for Love Online: A Latin Woman’s Experience   Leave a comment

International online dating has exploded.  Cupid Media, itself, claims more than 20 million customers.  Yet there are few protections for users.  Savvy adventurers make promises and use economic disparity to their advantage.  Those with hopes that their lives will be made better by what they cannot find in their own country are left, often alone, to navigate the gulf between their dreams and reality.

In 2005, the United States government adopted The International Marriage Broker Regulation Act (Subtitle D of Title VIII (Sec.831-834) of United States Public Law 109-162),[1], or IMBRA, requiring background checks for all marriage visa sponsors and limits serial visa applications. The law also requires background checks for consenting adults who wish to communicate when using an international pen pal service. The impetus for its introduction was two cases (including the Susanna Blackwell case in 1995 and the Anastasia King case in 2000) in which foreign women had been abused and eventually murdered by men who had used a K-1 fiancée visa issued by the US State Department to bring them to the United States.

Yet, aside from obvious abusers, the online dating industry is immune from such regulation and interactions between users are whatever they deem these interactions to be.  Furthermore, there is neither a handbook nor orientation for managing differences in culture, education, morals, societal norms, religion, value systems, economic isparity or power imbalances.  Online dating has become a reality in relationship formation in today’s world.  The attached link continues the series “Looking For Love (or Whatever) In Latin America.” Mi amiga, I have removed her name, and I met online almost three years ago. Though we have actually never met we have had conversations, given each other advice and become social media friends. What follows is the translation of a discussion we had on her online dating experiences.

When did you start looking for a friend or boyfriend online?
Mi Amiga – Three years ago

What sites do you use?
Mi Amiga – ColombianCupid, LatinAmericanCupid, Cybercupido and La Casa Del Amor. But I am not active on the last two. I like LatinAmericaCupid the best because I have found very good friends on that site. But I have not found my true love.

What advice would you give others that want to look for love or friends online?
Mi Amiga: I would say that there are many things to look out for. There are many men just looking for sex and many women looking for easy money. There are not many people that are looking for real love. It is a place where many people are looking to satisfy their own interests. Sometimes you will find ugly men, without taste, without teeth but they send money. And that is what is important.

Tell me about some of your experiences meeting or talking to men online
Mi Amiga: The first person I met on LatinAmericanCupid we talked all day and at night for three months. Later he came to visit me. But he was not just here (in Colombia) to visit me. He had plans to travel to various cities. Medellin, Santa Marta and Barranquilla but first he came to Cali. We were very happy. We went out to dinner and to have sex in his hotel. But later I saw what he had, in his suitcase, lots of condoms (she laughs at this point). It was obvious that he was not going to use all of them with me. He was here for five days. Always with me! I thought that all was progressing well. The last day, at the airport, he said that I was not going to be the woman he was looking for. He said thanks for the attention but that he was going to continue looking…. I have not heard anything more from him.

Another guy I met, we talked every day. He is a nice guy but he has some self-esteem problems. He is fat. He asked me to marry him (she had not met him face to face) and I had hopes. But he likes to have his woman under lock and key, behind closed doors. We talked more. He told me that he had problems driving because of the pain he often felt in his head. I felt afraid to continue. So I preferred to not talk with him further. In reality online many offer marriage. Because of this I don’t believe nothing or in anyone. But Wayne this was a serious situation. He bought bicycles for my sons. He said that I would have no money problems (if I married him). He would send me money. He would get me a Visa. I would have a house in my name and I would have no problems. But these things they have prices.

I also met an ex-baseball player. Very famous in Baltimore. He played for the Orioles. He said every minute that he loved me. All of his family knew me. He would call and I would talk with his sister, mother and his child. We talked liked this for seven beautiful months. I changed many things in my life during this time. I only had time for him. I did not talk with any of my friends. No men. I did not go out. I did not connect to my Hotmail. I would only talk on Skype with him. If he called at 3:00 a.m. to say I love you I would enter MSN to talk with him. I loved him a lot. And my sons and parents were also happy for me. He came to Cali to visit me. We met happily at the airport. We kissed a lot. He came to my house first to say hello to my family. His kisses were beautiful. He said he wanted to make love a lot with me. I was planning this before. So we went to his hotel. And nothing happened. I do not know why. He could not do anything (get it up). Later he apologized because he is gay. Later he disappeared and changed his hotel. Later i saw him in the mal with other women. A friend of mine, that knows him, had told me that he had another woman in Brazil. And the same thing happened to her. He could not make love to he either. So, I confronted him about this. And he said yes, it is true. So, here I am with this tall well-built former baseball player that could not make love. Caramba, at least he did not lie to me.

I also met a guy from Cuba on ColombianCupid. He was a very good friend. I could tell him my problems and he would always want to help. But later he said that he wanted to have sex on the internet. He wanted me to show him my breasts. And he wanted me to masturbate for him. He would always call for me to do this. Then I said no, I did not want him to be my friend anymore (she laughs).

The last guy on the list came to Cali. I also met him on Colombia Cupid. He has business here. Over the past three years we only talked a little. He would always talk about his children. But for my birthday he was here and invited me to go to dinner. Later we went to a disco. We spent three days together. We went to dinner, lunch and to walk ne the malls. On his last day here we had sex. It was delicious (she laughs). We continued talking afterwards. But later he started to tell me about his desires to experiment with some things with me. He said he would give me money if I would have anal sex with him. I will not do that. I told him I was not a prostitute. He is very handsome. A gentleman. Very intelligent. But he is not a man to make commitments. He did not want to have a serious relationship.

Sometimes do you have sex on camera for men? Masturbate or show yourself naked?
Mi amiga: Yes, various times. With the guy from Cuba and with a guy from California.

How do you feel when you have sex for others on camera?
Mi Amiga: Very nice. There are times that I have done it without effort. With pleasure for the person that was watching. I like to feel desired. I like to feel that another is attracted to me.

Do you have more that you want to say?
Mi Amiga: Yes, this is an experience. I have not been online in a while. I have not found anyone important to me. Now I have a beautiful relationship with a much older man that worries about me. He lives here. He is interested in my life and makes me laugh. I hope whatever I have said helps.

Posted September 19, 2011 by Wayne in Uncategorized

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Looking For Love (or Whatever) In Latin America   2 comments

Recently I met a guy, who said he was in Colombia looking for love and marriage. He had made a number of contacts via one of the online international dating sites. As we talked, I was reminded of a world that I discovered when I first started coming to Costa Rica and Colombia. A universe of people who are seeking, and finding, people in other countries and cultures for the purposes of dating, romance, sex, marriage, finding a way out, finding the love of their lives and more. I was so naïve. I had no idea such a network of people with like interests and varied motives existed, much less an industry raking in millions that is available to support them. I grew up in Rand, West Virginia way before the internet was a reality. All we had were White and Black people. And dating outside of one’s race – there were no other ethnic groups that I knew of in West Virginia – though a growing phenomenon, was still taboo.

What struck me though was that this guy was really down on Latin women, Colombianas especially. Undaunted by the fact that we were in a room with three Colombian women, including the woman that had invited him to my apartment, he told me that he had been married to a woman from Colombia, who he said “…got most of everything in the divorce.” And though he was here, again, looking for another Colombian woman, he just could not understand why they kept playing him for money. Now I am really a bit uncomfortable. Though the women in the room spoke no English, his agitation was obvious. He said he would go out on dates and they would bring friends, without telling or asking him beforehand, and he would HAVE to pick up the check. One woman had invited him to her house for lunch, he said, and then taken him by a Chinese restaurant, ordered a bunch of food – for which he HAD to pay, to take it to her house for them to eat lunch. I did not ask who got the leftovers. He went on to say that his ex-wife, who had family in Bogota, sent a suitcase with him to take to them. By the middle of our short conversation, I wanted to scream “Don’t you get it, my brother? It is not them. It’s you.”

But that would have been a too simplistic response to a more complex set of issues. Being the psychologist that I am, I asked him what he brought to the table. Why a Colombian woman? What images did he have in his mind of these women? Why did he think that the same drama continued to play out in his life? It turned out to be a decent conversation, with me offering some of the lessons that I have learned. As I have been told, I am never too shy to give my opinion. But our conversation also got me to thinking – these are questions that not only fit my new friend. Economic disparity, cultural/values differences, sexual attitudes and behaviors, interpretations of what is love, social and political discourse and more, within the context of relationships between north American men and Latin American women, however they are defined, are the subject of conversations in chat rooms, message boards, bar rooms and bedrooms.

While my travels to, and living in, this part of the world does not make me an expert on relationships between north American men and Latin women, my travels to Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Panama and Colombia have opened up dating possibilities that I really have not taken seriously until recently. In the past I have gone out with women looking out for a boyfriend to take care of them and their children or a husband to do the same. I have been asked for money and had offers of marriage. I have been fooled, understanding what is really meant by “beware a big butt and a smile.” All in all it has been fun. I have no complaints. I have learned a lot and grown immensely for my experiences. But to be honest I really did not take the possibilities of marrying a woman from this part of the world too seriously.

To me, the thing is – it seems that there can be a collision between fantasy and reality on both sides of the divide that can cause pain or bring happiness, making meeting, dating, mating (sex) and/or marriage amazingly complicated. There are horror stories, for sure. On both sides of the isle! There are also dreams come true.

So, now that I am here seriously and the possibilites of a long term relationship really does exist, for the next several weeks I am going to talk about “Looking for Love (or whatever) in Latin America.” And so the conversation is not one-sided, I have also invited some of my Latina friends to contribute their own stories and opinions. I hope you will find this subject and the next few blog posts as interesting – as I may find it cathartic.

Posted August 23, 2011 by Wayne in Uncategorized

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